I fell in love last night. Story at 11.

JARHEAD


Saw it tonight. Had some good performances. Cinematically very well done. Jamie Foxx sort of walked through it. Looked like he had just arrived on set in every scene and was like, "Okay, where we at?" Not much happens in the film, though I suppose that is the point.

My recommendation is go rent THREE KINGS. It's about the same war but THREE KINGS is far more entertaining.

But god damn the trailer for JARHEAD is cool with Kanye's "Jesus Walks" in the background. Watch the trailer about 4 times in a row and it has the same effect as watching the whole movie.

JUST FRIENDS


Just saw JUST FRIENDS with Ryan Reynolds and Amy Smart. Wow. Fucking hystrical. Anna Faris (SCARY MOVIE) completely steals the show.

Kinda reminds me of an updated SOMETHING ABOUT MARY. Go check it out at the end of November.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0433400/

Does anyone else think BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN looks like the most absurd movie ever?

Thoughts and prayers out to Cameron Giles (aka Cam'Ron). He got shot last night in DC. Hopefully he is recovering okay.

DIP SET

And when did SPRITE become hardcore hip hop?

Since when did I start liking grapefruit juice?

GRAPES AND BEEF JERKEY

DopeBwoyFresh: grapes and beef jerkey

SaraLR83: haha

DopeBwoyFresh: quite a dinner

SaraLR83: oh i thought you were making a metaphor or something

SaraLR83: beef jerkey is so nasty

SaraLR83: i love it

SaraLR83: but its adicting and then i feel sick

DopeBwoyFresh: so good

DopeBwoyFresh: so much protein

DopeBwoyFresh: no fat

SaraLR83: and i feel like only boys are supposed to eat it

SaraLR83: and mexicans

DopeBwoyFresh: yeah

DopeBwoyFresh: they eat Oh Boy Oberto

DopeBwoyFresh: which is horrible

DopeBwoyFresh: I am eating Jack Link's

DopeBwoyFresh: which is bomb

SaraLR83: hahah

DopeBwoyFresh: seriously

DopeBwoyFresh: if it wasn't so expensive


DopeBwoyFresh: that's all I wold eat


DopeBwoyFresh: my god

DopeBwoyFresh: I am listening to Mos Def Traveling Man

DopeBwoyFresh: this song makes me cry

SaraLR83: i was driving home from DC the other week and i got lost so i stopped and bought beef jerky at 711 it was 16$ and then i had no more money for tolls...seriously, i had to get off the turnpike early

Alright. I know I said I wasn't going to promote once I moved to LA, but here's the deal. I could use some extra cash. As it is, I go to Monroe's way too much and turn a shitload of people onto it, I might as well try to make something out of it. I'm probably not going to be DJ'ing on a regular basis, but I will make occasional appearances. We hopefully have a celebrity DJ lined up for the first night and some of Biswas' celebutantes might roll thru. Regardless, it will be hot, just like Monroes always is. Plus, it only takes like 100 people for that place to look crowded. Come show love starting Thursday October 27th and every Thursday after that.

Peep the flyer I made. And yes, the keypad says something.

Been sick. Leave me alone.

BICYCLE

I started riding my bike to work today. Believer it or not, it is quicker for me to ride tyhe .73 miles to work than it is for me to drive and park. That's almost 3 miles of bike riding per day. I must say, it's very nice riding to work despite the fact I prolly look ridiculous in my suit on a very aggressive mountain bike (see Appendix A).

One of my superiors at the company saw me pulling up to the office as I was returning for lunch. We shared the elevator together.

Superior: "So you ride your bike to work?"
Me: "Yeah. Is that funny?"
Superior: "Kind of. Where do you live?"
Me: "Eight blocks away."
Superior: "I'd ride my bike to work if I could."
Me: "Why, where do you live?"
Superior: "Marina Del Rey."
Me: "Yeah, that prolly wouldn't work so much."

That was it. He got off on 2.

Yeah, so people have been making fun of me for riding my bike to work now. Seriously though, it's so much better than driving.
1. Save a little bit of money.
2. It's quicker than driving (took me 4 minutes today coming back from lunch and I was not pedaling hard).
3. The ride wakes me up in the morning.
4. It makes me seem "eco-friendly" to my peers at work.
5. Sight gag.
6. Instead of parking on P5, I park practically at the entrance of my building. Essentially I park closer than the presidents of my company (so what if they are driving Aston Martins and I'm pedaling a Cannondale. Cannondales are the Aston's of two wheel, human-powered transportation).

Although my bike is very futuristic looking, it is almost 10 years old. I bought it when I was 15 and working at Bikes and Blades in Chatham as a bike mechanic. I put it together myself. Got the frame discounted. I had an older Cannondale which I bought some Rock Shox Judy XC for and switched the fork over. Bought some carbon fiber Spin wheels. New tires. New grips. Overall, pretty badass bike for 15 year old and I paid for it all myself. How ya like me now?!

STOMACH PAINS


bfoley6: my stomach feels like isht

D Dubs: Why

D Dubs: What'd you eat?

bfoley6: nothing... last night i rocked a 20 piece nugget, 2 McChicken
sandos, a double cheeseburger, a bowl of nasty soup, half a ham and
cheese and some triscuits.

bfoley6: so that could have done it

D Dubs: yeah...ya think?

The Date Application Form

You don't have to fill out every field, just the ones you feel like. Have fun.
Your name:

Your email:

Your age:

Your occupation:

Where are you from?:

Where do you live now?:

Highest level of education completed/currently working towards:
high school diploma
high school equivalency (GED)
associates degree
bachelors degree
master’s degree
MBA/JD
Ph.D./MD/DMD
I go to the Vo-Tech, climb under a car, and sleep all day
Jay Truck Driving School
what’s edumacation?
"When I grow up, I'm going to Bovine University!"

How did you find this page?:
Accidentally
Yahoo/Google
A friend told me
An enemy told me
You told me about your stupid page
I can smell your desperation from here
A scorching case of herpes led me here
God hates me
Blind hogs eventually find acorns
"I fell off the jungle gym and woke up in here.”

Why are you filling out this form?:
I want to ask you out. HA!
No, seriously, I really do want to ask you out
I don't want to go on a date with you, but I do want to buy you lots drinks and watch the train wreck develop
I’m putting in fake info to fuck with you
I’m horribly desperate for anything male, and you fit the bill
This is the final stage in a destructive spiral of self-loathing and despair
It's either this or jail time
This is helping me stop masturbating so much
I hate your fucking guts
“It says ‘I choo-choo-choose you,’ and it has a picture of a train.”

Why do you think you want to go out on a date with me?:
Because I want to go on a date with you.
Do I need a reason? Isn't is axiomatic?
I want to hitch my wagon to your star, and this is Step 1.
You seem interesting
I think you’d be fun to get drunk with
I want to end up in one of your stories or future books
I feel strangely attracted to you
I hate myself
I’m one of those people who can’t divert their eyes from accident scenes, and you have that same effect on me
I think your caustic and sarcastic exterior belies a sweet and caring inner self
I want to give my VD to someone else before I die
No, really, I enjoy having guys use me and treat me like shit
“Which one is oral?”

What is it that you find most attractive about me?:
Your caustic wit and ambitious verve
Your cute face and hot body
Your caustic wit and ambitious verve
Your constant use of foul, discourteous language
The way you show no regard for the feelings of others
The way your immense ego blocks out any real emotional depth
You make me laugh
Your single-minded obsession with all things D Dubs
I like how you never use deodorant. Your pheromones are too sexy to cover up
I don’t like myself, and I'm hoping you'll treat me like a used-up stripper
Everything
“You’re deceptive.”

When would you like to go out with me?:
Whenever
When you are available
Hey, we're on my schedule here, Date Boy
When your heart stops
As soon as I finish gnawing off my left leg
When I get over my herpes and pink eye
After I suck off a Great Dane
How about never? Is never good for you?
“This is my sandbox, but I’m not allowed to go in the deep end.”

How would you rate yourself in terms of your physical attractiveness?:
I’m not very attractive
I’m cute
I’m cute enough for you, assface
I’m hot
If you like morbidly obese, cross-eyed fat girls, you'll LOVE me
I’m a butter face
I’m a Boston girl (it means you have a hot face and a fat ass...and don't email me pissed about this. You don't think that 80% of cute women in Boston fit this description? Ask any guy you know living in Boston. If he's honest, he'll tell you the same thing. I blame the long winters. Why work out if bikini weather is only 4 months?)
The kids at school used to call out “Baaaby Ruuth” when I would walk by
No, really, I don’t think you understand: I am UG-LY
“Daddy says I’m ‘this close’ to living in the yard!”

How would you rate yourself in terms of your intelligence?:
I can read enough to answer this
I’m average
I’m smart enough to get your stupid jokes
I’m a fucking genius
I can bend things with my mind
I’m dumber than week-old bat shit
Who are you to question the intelligence of anyone else? Have you seen your webpage, idiot?
I like to use lots of exclamation points in my emails!!!! Yippee!!!
“Me fail English? That’s unpossible.”

How would you rate yourself in terms of your emotional maturity and stability?:
I’m about average
I’m pretty sane, but have some minor insecurities and peculiarities, just like everyone
I’m very emotionally stable
I am a rock
I’m loonier than a shit-house rat
I claw at my eyes, trying to get the demons out
The doctor says he can’t increase my prescriptions anymore or he’d get in trouble
Sometimes, the restraints chafe my wrists. Then the festering starts
Why do you ask?!? Do you know something!?!? Who have you been talking too?!?
They mostly come at night. Mostly
“That’s where I saw the Leprechaun. He tells me to burn things.”

What is your most defining feature or characteristic?:
My beautiful eyes
My sharp wit
My compassionate nature
My incredible intelligence
My huge breasts
I have the ass of a 12 year-old girl
My cottage cheese thighs
My sphincter can break a beer bottle
My matted pubic hair
My charming autism
My colostomy bag
My willingness to use sex to get what I want
My perfect landing strip
"The tar fumes are making me dizzy."

What would you expect me to bring?:
Cheap flowers
Expensive champagne
Your A+ game
I like shiny things
A unquenchable libido
Astroglide
A shoehorn
Amniotic dysentery
A small, hairless Asian boy
Your enema bag collection
"And I want a bike and a monkey and a friend for the monkey."

What will I do when I see you?:
smile
drool
start jumping up and down yelling “UH, UH, UH”
pretend you’re not D Dubs
feign epilepsy
vomit uncontrollably
curse the anonymity of the Internet
run like a track star
run like a crack fiend
“I can’t breathe good and it’s making me sleepy.”

What will my friends say when they see you?:
“Wow, D Dubs is really lucky. I wish I was him.”
“Another tall, hot blonde with no self-esteem--he’s getting laid tonight.”
“She’s the hottest thing since nuclear fusion.”
“Tonight’s forecast calls for scattered clothes, with a significant chance of intense, passionate humping.”
“My Lord--she smells like the fish market.”
“Well, she’s too ugly for him to date…$10 says he sleeps with her anyway.”
“I wouldn’t call her fat, but he’s gonna need the Jaws of Life to get out of this.”
“Oh shit…somebody call 911.”
“She’s just an expensive escort. I wonder how much money she cost him.”
“She’s just a cheap hooker. I wonder how much smack she cost him.”
“Should have been a blow job.”
“Her shade of lipstick looks like the color you’d find at the base of a penis.”
“Look at her...did she just get released from a methadone clinic?”
“Her face looks like it caught on fire and someone beat it out with a rake.”

Do your friends control your love life, you pussy?
“Daddy, I’m scared, too scared to even wet my pants.”

What should I wear?:
Something that says “derelict frat boy,” like khakis, a button down and a ratty hat
Something that says “I’m a rich, arrogant lawyer”, like a navy Hugo Boss suit and Hermes tie
Something that says “I'm Euro-trash, but at least I look good,” like black Armani pants and a tight Zegna shirt
Something that says “I ain't got me no money,” like a burlap sack
Something that says “I’ve been on Cops,” like boxer shorts and a stained wife-beater
Something that says “ethnic,” like a dashiki and a fez
Something that says “I really don’t care”, like flip-flops, old jeans and logo t-shirt
Something that says “ghetto fabulous,” like a Fubu jersey and Karl Kani jeans
Something that says “retro Miami Vice,” like a peach colored polo shirt and white suit
Something that says “I shop at thrift stores,” like Dickie’s and a mechanic’s shirt
Something that says “1993 Jodeci video”, like a hot pink tank top and spandex shorts
Something that says “hip Militia Man”, like a Patagonia fleece over Kevlar body armor
Whatever you have that’s clean
Surprise me
Nothing at all
“Daddy, these rubber pants are hot.”

What will we do on our first date?:
Go to dinner and a movie
Mock those less fortunate than us
Argue, yell and possibly even fight
Fuck. What else would we do?
Try to cripple children
Go to a gentlemen’s club and try and pick up a stripper
Get absolutely shit-housed, fucked-in-half, retarded drunk
Go to a gun range
Get absolutely shit-housed, fucked-in-half, retarded drunk and go to a gun range with a stripper we picked up at a gentlemen’s club (...my personal choice)
Felch each other (…decidedly not my choice)
All of the above
None of the above
Some strange combination of the above
“Will you cook my dinner for me? My parents aren’t around and I’m not allowed to turn on the stove.”

What type of food will we eat, assuming we go to dinner?:
Italian
Chinese
American
Southwestern
Vegan (yeah…have fun eating alone)
Light post-coital snack
Chick-fil-a
Who needs to eat if liquor is available?
I don’t eat--I’m a smack addict
Whatever we find in the dumpster
Nothing, I’m already too fat as it is
“My cat’s breath smells like cat food.”

What will we drink? (we will be drinking…or at least I’ll be drinking):
champagne
beer
liquor
fine malt liquor
wine
wine in a box
fine apple wine
whatever is cheapest
whatever we can steal from homeless people
whatever we can make in your bathtub
I prefer hard drugs, thank you
“They taste like…burning!”

How much does it take to get you drunk?:
The smell of alcohol
A few beers
A few glasses of wine
A six-pack
A six-pack of Ripple
I can out drink a Wahoo
I can out drink an Irish Catholic
Ever heard of Motley Crue? I taught them how to party.
"My parent’s won’t let me use scissors.”

What will we talk about on our date?:
Me
You
Sex
Sex in public places
Butt sex
The sexual foibles of ex’s
The etiquette of group sex
What that slut at the next table is wearing
How our parents fucked us up beyond all repair
How much everyone around us sucks
The epistemological and metaphysical implications of superstring theory
The epistemological and metaphysical implications of us having sex
The Iron Chef
Whether or not Scooby Doo is in fact a metaphor for hallucinogenic drug use
This web page
Flannery O’Connor’s use of symbolism
Herman Melville’s use of metaphor
Ron Jeremy’s use of irony
Lots of different things
"Then, the doctor told me that BOTH my eyes were lazy! And that's why it was the best summer ever."

I should compliment you by saying:
“You have incredible eyes.”
“That is the most beautiful smile I’ve ever seen.”
“You are a very cool person.”
“Are you gonna finish that? Cause if not...”
“You’re ugly, but you intrigue me.”
“If you didn’t have such fat legs, you could be a model.”
“You know, they can fix your cleft lip. Modern medicine has come a long way from the days of just throwing people like you in with the livestock.”
“Good lord…was anyone else hurt in the accident?”
“That tumor on your forehead really brings out the brown in your eyes.”
“That’s the same perfume they put on my grandmother at her wake.”
“Did you fart? You farted, didn’t you?”
“I’d club a baby seal to get a second date with you.”
“I had no idea a woman could have such a large ass paired with such small breasts.”
“Can I pee on you?”
“You don’t sweat much for a fattie.”
“You should be on TV. They use plain looking women too.”
“Your toys are fun to touch. Mine are all sticky.”

Finish this sentence: “I like a man that…
respects me.”
worships me.”
deifies me.”
likes me more than a sharp stick in the eye."
treats me like shit.” (be honest…)
likes to hurt small animals.”
has spent a healthy amount of time in a maximum-security federal prison.”
is uglier than me.”
is uglier than Lyle Lovett.”
is dumber than me.”
is dumber than Dan Quayle.”
makes toy cars out of his poop.”
won’t make fun of my club foot.”
“You look like my mommy after she drinks her box of wine.”

What will we do after dinner?:
Have coffee and dessert
Run out on the bill
Go dancing
Go to hell
Have a long and meaningful conversation
Throw the dishes on the floor and fuck on the table
Go somewhere to be alone, but just cuddle
Point out each others shortcomings (my personal choice)
Groping and pawing
Why do I have to make all the decisions? I thought you were a fucking man!
“Help! She’s touching my special area!”

How will the date end?:
Unpleasantly
An awkward silence
A noncommital hug
A sweet, tender kiss
Passionate, unbridled, hanging from the chandelier, sex
Us planning for another date
Me pouring my heart out to you while you record it to put on your website
Me cursing you abusively from the safety of my porch
Me calling the cops to get you out of my house
You throwing flaming bags of dog poop at my porch
A nonspecific burning sensation
One of us waking up in jail without our shoe laces
“Oh boy sleep! That’s where I’m a Viking!”

If you made it this far, I’m sure you have something to say. If you want me to email you back, you need to write something here. Preferably something funny, intelligent, witty, etc.:

BONUS QUESTION:
The last option in every category is a quote from a famous television character. Name this character, and you will receive the fame and adoration of the people.
His name:

IN HER SHOES

Saw a screening of IN HER SHOES tonight. Was not looking forward to it but it was really good. I had great company thanks to Lindsay and I got to leave work a little early.

Few musings coming away from that movie:
1. Cameron Diaz:hot. Justin...you da man.

2. Toni Collette: I know a great orthodontist.

Go see it. It comes out on Friday.

LOVE LIVING THE CHAVISH LIFE

THE LOTTO LOUT
September 30, 2005-New York Times
At Wit's End, a Town Dithers Over Its Millionaire Pest
By SARAH LYALL
SWAFFHAM, England - Except possibly for Howard Carter, who discovered Tutankhamen's tomb in 1922 (and who died a long time ago), 22-year-old Michael Carroll is by far Swaffham's most famous resident.
Known across Britain by his tabloid nickname, the Lotto Lout, Mr. Carroll won £9.7 million (about $15 million at the time) in the national lottery three years ago and showed up to collect his prize while wearing a police-issued electronic ankle bracelet. The question now raging in Swaffham is whether he deserves to throw the switch at the town's annual Christmas lights display, as he was briefly invited to do.
"I personally have nothing against him," said Terry Drake, a prominent local businessman who owns a hardware store on the main street of this busy old market town. "But a convicted criminal shouldn't be in a position to do something that children are supposed to look up to."
At this point, Mr. Carroll is not likely to be turning on anyone's lights except his own. After a huge public outcry, the town has rescinded the invitation and will probably have no holiday display at all this year (Mr. Carroll was going to pay for it).
If nothing else, Mr. Carroll, who did not respond to messages left at his house, has proved since winning that he is not the sort of person to let money turn his head: he has kept having run-ins with the authorities, the only difference being that he now drives nicer cars to court.
"Before he won the lottery, he was a nuisance," Charles Joyce, a local official, said. "He decided to carry on being a nuisance."
Among other things, he has appeared in court more than 30 times in the last three years. He has spent three months in jail on drugs charges, paid thousands of dollars in fines for vandalism and been evicted from several hotels after, for instance, ripping a chandelier from the ceiling while trying to swing from it.
He was recently ordered to perform 240 hours of community service - later increased to 300 - after shooting ball bearings through 32 car and shop windows with a catapult as he drove around in the middle of the night.
He has been issued with two antisocial behavior orders in two local jurisdictions forbidding him to threaten, harass or intimidate anyone in a 400-mile radius. He has been told by local government authorities to stop throwing raucous late-night parties and to stop holding demolition derbies on his land.
And he has been told to clean up the yard of his house, strewn as it is with tires, beer cans, food wrappers, wrecked furniture and the hulks of half-smashed-up old cars.
Mr. Carroll is an object of national fascination in part because of his apparently pathological criminality, and in part because he represents a kind of Briton known as a chav. Chavs, whether rich or poor, tend to favor gaudy jewelry and expensive-but-tacky clothes with big logos and to behave in a way that others find coarse or obnoxious.
Male chavs wear tracksuits and baseball caps; female chavs pull their hair tightly back in buns or ponytails, a style known as a "council house facelift," from the term for public housing.
Mr. Carroll has "King of Chavs" printed on his Mercedes, a car known in the newspapers as the Loutmobile (its license plate reads L111 OUT).
The derivation of the word chav, which began to be widely used about a year ago as the problem of binge drinking in Britain's towns and cities became a huge national issue, is murky. Some say it comes from an 18th century Romany word meaning "child"; others believe it may come from the town of Chatham in Kent, known, apparently, for its large chav population (the theory that it is an acronym for Council Housed and Violent is most likely untrue).
Chav behavior - outrageous spending sprees, drunken brawls, inappropriate public displays of affection, screaming matches with loved ones in bars, destruction of property, late-night stumbling and/or vomiting - provide celebrity magazines here with much of their material. Among British women, Coleen McLoughlin, the girlfriend of the soccer star Wayne Rooney, is seen as a celebrity chav.
Ms. McLoughlin - whose new house with Mr. Rooney reportedly includes its own spray-tanning booth - is rarely photographed without a variety of designer-store shopping bags and a thong showing above her pants. Her 18th birthday party last year descended into chaos when the free drinks ran out and Mr. Rooney's uncle began yelling abuse at the waiters.
Others in the greater chav universe are David and Victoria Beckham, who would hate to be considered chavs but who nonetheless wore matching purple outfits and sat on matching thrones at their wedding; and Jordan, a former topless model who recently traveled to her own wedding in a Cinderella-style carriage shaped like a pumpkin and pulled by six white horses.
Mr. Carroll, who collects chav products like jewelry, cars and tattoos, has also experienced the underside of famous chavdom, with friends denouncing him publicly. His now ex-girlfriend told The Sun that Mr. Carroll believed that "the trees in his front garden are actually people disguised as trees," and spent his nights prowling around the house looking for intruders. "I'll tell him, 'Come back to bed, you stupid twit,' " she told the newspaper.
The Christmas lights offer came from Swaffham's honorary town crier, Eddie Godden, who is responsible for organizing the display this year. But after receiving letters of protest from across the country, the council not only decreed that Mr. Carroll was to go nowhere near the display (if there is one) but also removed Mr. Godden from his post.
"He has misbehaved, but he's done what most teenaged boys would do in winning that sort of money," Mr. Godden said of Mr. Carroll. "He's 22 and he's had a lot of bad publicity and he's already been to prison. This is the first conscious public thing he's done to give some money to a good cause. I think he was ready to make amends."
Is he ready to make amends? Mr. Carroll's lawyer, Neil Meacham, would not say.
"I get so many calls from television and the newspapers that unless you pay me, I really don't have time to talk to you," Mr. Meacham said in a brief interview. But he allowed that Mr. Carroll was "vigorously contesting" many of the outstanding charges against him.
Mr. Carroll recently participated in a charity boxing match with a television gladiator named Rhino, but Mr. Meacham declined to comment on the latest rumor: that his client is negotiating to star in a reality television series about the chav lifestyle.
"The only thing that is certain in life is uncertainty," Mr. Meacham said, and hung up the telephone.

Okay...seriously. This is flippin hilarious. I think this guy used to ref my AYSO games back in the day at VNSO (Van Nuys Sherman Oaks) park
http://www.sendmefile.com/00108251

www.krazytwinz.co.uk
(they produced Punjabi MC f. Jay Z "Beware of the Boys"...hilarious site nonetheless)